First off…I don’t eat doughnuts that often. But when I do, I prefer crullers.

I walk into into a Dunks today and was jonesing for a donut….it’s been about 4 months since my last one (sounds like penance…I know)   After ordering the typical sh*tty iced coffee with 3 expresso shots to make it taste like the Dunks coffee I remember….I ask for a chocolate cruller. The young Brazilian girl looks at me like I have four eyeballs, then her coworker goes to the rack, gets it for her and says “thats a chocolate stick”.

I get back to my car and I’m utterly shocked at the virtual sex toy that falls out of the bag. Bro…Kim Kardashian would blush at this thing. I’m also fully aware there’s no manly way to eat a cruller, but it sure felt less manly as this “stick”. I found myself looking around the parking lot on Morrissey Blvd like I was about to set fire to the building or something.

So I end up breaking it into smaller pieces to keep my hetero honor intact. That’s right…I ended up with a half dozen munchkins. Anyway…it sucked…I mean this sh*t almost ruined my day. It literally tasted like the most processed piece of easy bake oven bullsh*t ever. All this guilt for a giant Buckner of a doughnut.

WTF happened to Dunkin Donuts anyway? Have they become so corporate they needed to have a machine sh*t out their “stick” doughnuts so they could make a few extra bucks instead of making them by hand? This 6 billion dollar cow is not the same Dunkin Donuts that first opened on Southern Artery in Quincy in the 1950’s. That Dunks made legions of fans starting with the Fore River shipyard workers for one reason…..they put love in their product. Handmade doughnuts and fresh coffee not served out of rubbermaid storage bins. I guess that’s what happens when you’re partly owned by Bain Capital. MittyCent’s boys just come in and fire all the people who make donuts by hand then replaces their asses with Chinese machinery.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSzeDmKkNcw]

Then Bain takes all their cruller cash and hides it offshore. OMG, wait…..did those bastards kill Fred the Baker?? I wonder if Charlie Baker gave up his address?? Frank Baker is a Dot Rat….someone warn him!! Damn you Mitty!!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gjrzuSb00ts]

Like all things that taste awesome…doughnuts should be eaten in moderation. I think Big George and I both would throw that thinking out the window if the Avenue Bakery in Savin Hill still existed. They had a honey dipped that could make a grown man cry. But if you are looking for doughnut still made by hand and worth the guilt then I suggest Doughboy Donuts or the Donut King in Quincy.

(A big shout out to Joyce Linehan of Ashmont Media for the MittyCent reference!)