So I’m driving through traffic the other day when all of a sudden I hear this incredible roar that seemed to fill the street. I start to scan the road when I lock on to my rear view mirror. Here comes this massive orange and black Dodge pickup weaving through traffic with a driver in full hard on mode. Although fairly new in these parts, everyone has seen this guy. Picture a redneck version of those fast and furious low riding Japanese import guys. They typically drive huge overstated American pickup trucks with way more capability than they will ever use or need. Kinda like a guy that drives a V-10 F350 that gets 6 mpg but he may work at Dave & Busters making change instead of….ohhh I don’t know….hauling whole trees out of a forest in Maine. This is America of course, and you have the freedom to drive anything you please, but this guy was special….
Not only was Tex McLovin sporting the atypical oversized wheels and a modified exhaust pipes so the entire Commonwealth can hear him coming, he had to take it to another level to let the world know just how bad ass he really is. The only way to possibly achieve this would have been a trip to the asshole store to procure some essential accessories for his alpha mobile…..
#1 Air Foil
This bad Larry may not serve any purpose under 130mph …..but you know what? Nothing screams Axe wearing Kenny Chesney fan like a $400 air foil. Sure, it may not have a practical application on anything besides an exotic sports car….but when you decided to start buying country albums…you knew you had to express your freedom. So you got your pack of red Solo cups and made sure you got the biggest air foil you could find. Besides, you’re an alpha male and you soon figured out an additional use for your foil. On those snowy deer season days over in Southie, you can snap off the foil and use it to save the spot you just shoveled out. Bam!
#2 Truck Nuts
Why not show the world you like to free ball. Truck Nuts are the must have for any alpha mobile. The world really needs to know just how big your nuts are so why not put a set on your trailer hitch to end all the endless questions. Alpha males don’t have time for questions! They need to concentrate on being awesome, finding gas stations and being free.
Between the foil, nuts and the new cowboy hat Luke Duke picked up at Aeropostale down at South Shore Plaza….the dude was just deadly. I’m sure the reason he was weaving through Neponset Circle was to ditch the 4 car loads of Maxim models trying to tear his Wranglers off. How could they resist?
To that I say…ride on Beantown Alpha Cowboy….ride on…..
(File under non-fiction: This was not a Sasquatch sighting – this person is driving around Boston right now)