New Cool Rule…

If you’re a lottery buzzard….you are not allowed to hold up the line at a convenience store for 40 min while you waste your SSI check.

lot·tery buz·zard

noun ˈlä-tə-rē alsoˈlä-trē ˈbə-zərd

a : a vagabond typically found in the Dorchester neighborhood of Boston Massachusetts who’s time is spent playing the State Lottery to no avail. 

Listen I understand the “rush” involved with gambling. It can be downright fun….but there are serious questions that need to be asked here. When was the last time the Massachusetts State Lottery Commission threw you a free Heineken? How about a free meal? Did they ever put you up in a nice hotel for a night as a way to say thanks?  Exactly….. If you absolutely have to waste money….why not go to a casino? Why stand in line with your fanny pack full of losing tickets and ruin everyone’s morning by tying up a register for 40 minutes when you can lose in style? Maybe you just quit all together and save your disability check….just saying.

Just remember the following:

  • You don’t have to smell like a Haitian cab driver.
  • That loud, multicolored and obnoxious hairball you created called a keychain doesn’t really possess any powers in terms of good fortune or luck.
  • I know you love your Kangaroo velcro tie sneakers that have holes in them because you bought them at Bradlees before they closed….but NWL sells them too. If you cut 4 scratch tickets out of your diet you can buy new ones.
  • The people at Mass Health really despise when you eat suzy q’s and chase it with shitty coffee or soda….turns out it’s very expensive long term and you cut into their lottery earnings.
  • Handicapped parking spots are for vehicles…not your double wide Hoveround.
  • Keno is about as exciting as Saint Brendan’s on Sunday morning with a hangover.
  • Your little crew of fellow buzzards down at the Tedeschi’s on Neponset Ave will not miss you….and neither will I.
  • If you hit it big…..don’t collect welfare…. is no sexy!

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